On my second Vodka and berries, sitting on the sofa. The timid light between the clouds tries to warm me up and shines on the golden smoking jacket I’m wearing. Outside these walls, the market is buzzing, full of souls enjoying themselves feeling it’s like a holiday. Wearing their best frocks, polished shoes and smiles. You know that feeling suspended in your breath? Of joy mixed with excitement for what life will bring on you, daunted with the creeping idea that it will soon be over, so you gotta experience it all. The radio is playing catchy tunes, sipping my very healthy morning smoothies(hey it’s definitely 1 of 5) to survive Ed Sheeran. What’s been up with me? I think January has proved to be a very tough month to handle; all the project I have applied for got rejected, throwing me in a spiral of creative self-doubt. With an overshadowing question, Why am I doing this? What am I actually doing? In a late night conversation with my friend and flatmate, he made me realise something, I need to throw my self in the deep end. I gotta try things and experience life, rather than get in my head ALL of the time thinking how could I do things better. Perfectionism is a bad bitch, can help you out, but drags you to hell with a wip. I think some of it comes with from the constant daunting sensation that I’ve so much time to catch up in my life, that I’ll never be able to do it properly, and when you get 3 rejections emails in a day, someone steals you coat from a club and you see a video of your performance and it’s realistically crap, the stairs to downtown Self-Doubt are open. “Rejections helps to have a healthier ego” said no one ever. Rejections are awful, but I guess that annoying feeling that comes with them is what drives you forward. How do you deal with it? I don’t really know, I’m still learning. What it helps tho is branching out, when this happens I try to get out and watch some performance pieces, or experimental artists on YouTube. It helps, it helped. I wonder if that works with love too? I think I should take things more easily, realising that I DO have time, I’m not in a rush, not on a competition, also vodka helps.
What do you do when the blue outside the window is so beautiful and you can’t find a way to contain it all? To embrace it? You know that there’s a way, but you don’t know how. So you try, you try different ways, hoping to find the right one and keep that sensation of airy blue aether forever in a pocket, while you breath at the rhythm at your own freedom.
I start to understand that moving forward maybe it’s not much about moving away from where you were, but stepping towards somewhere. Where? I guess that’s the game to needs to be figured out.
With lots of love, 💙
[credits to the picture to the amazing Topaz @ Reconfigure]