My heart was racing to get somewhere I did not know. Furious beats gargling at the back of my throat. I might have been walking in the woods for a century for what I knew, the murky sky was stuck on a dimmed lounge light.
Every step was a conquest towards the unknown, or at least that’s what I kept repeating myself, while focusing on hiding those voices in my head that were screaming louder and louder the further I ventured. It almost felt like my internal dialogue volume dial broke and the radio was going off charts randomly, playing the annoying static noise in between Mariah Carey Christmas songs. Emotions I didn’t even know I possessed were coming out like an exorcism.
Being paranoid also didn’t help with the mood, I couldn’t shake the idea of being followed by someone, perhaps a group, ready to sacrifice me to some cult?
Perhaps I left my sanity, with my dignity, on that 300 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets this morning.
Was this karma? Was this all a big scam? Was this a hallucination? For a second I hoped I was just my teenage self, in the attic doing mushrooms with Stella and this was just a giant Dalì/Picasso hybrid; but clearly not.
I was in a mysterious forest, followed by who knows which creatures, tired and dare to say terrified.
I was lost and I didn’t even know it.
Walking in circles? Perhaps, even if it felt I was walking one of Escher's stairs.
Maybe I wanted to be lost, maybe for the very first time I wasn’t so afraid of not knowing where I was, to which realisation the crippling sound behind me faded and so did leafy path I was following; or better the path was still there, the trail of leaves on top of it sharply stopped.
I looked around and it looked like a clearing in the woods, if I didn’t know any better I would say it looked like a triangular shaped clearing and I was at the base of it, hypotenuse -good drag queen name-, I giggled at the idea of “Miss Hypotenuse the longest side”.
I was in a total mental chaos, my phone was dead so forget about calling for help, but also intrigued by this total horror movie setup. Creepy hands rising from the ground?
I mean, if someone was so radical in raking the leaves away from the clearing, clearly they’ll be keen in keeping it that way, hence they’ll be back soon. It was all a matter of when, not where. I was lost, but I was somewhere in the universe, so, reachable.
I sat at the base of the tree stub almost in the center of the triangle. I didn’t want to sit on top of it, to avoid getting cursed for sitting on a sacred altar or sorts, you are never careful enough in those horror movies set up, in a moment you are wandering lost in a forest, the next you summoned a demon by picking a dead leaf; speaking of which I was still holding to a flower I picked in my rage running. I decided to drop it on the stub, as an offering to the beast that was going to kill me and also as a way to almost rebel to the landscaped perfection that “the someone that was going to save me” created. Also my sweaty hands basically cooked the petals anyways, not much to hold on to really.
“What the heck am I doing here?” I asked myself, as if someone was going to answer anyways.
“You are fucking stupid!” I replied, just to keep myself company.
Was this going to be my shrine? A wooded triangle of perfection, a petunia for the dead. Not that I cared about death anyways, unless a deathbed selfie would have given my socials the extra likes I needed, departing from this world with the fame I’ve always wanted.
I screamed, it started as a burp, but then it graduated to fully fledged scream of anger, misery, distortion and melancholy.
Then I screamed again, this time with even more rage, with violence, like if all the years of abuse where facing me and I had to scare them away.
Once more, I screamed for all the time I got engaged with narcissistic zombies.
I don’t know how much time went by, but my screams were counting down seconds between minutes and almost as regular as taxes.
With no more voice in me, I abandoned myself to the feeling of desperation that was waterfalling in my psyche and let my body liquify on the dusty ground, facing that weird sky light.