Pseudo [whatever]

I'm writing this while bleaching my beard. Trying to resist the urge to scratch it.

Today is the first day in 5 weeks that I have no intention of going to school, but I shall anyways since I'm paying for it.

I've joined first year of CPP ( Contemporary Performance Practice) at the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland, and saying that it has been a roller-coaster is an understatement.

I think, first of all, it is fair to say that the course is most likely not for me. Or the person that I am, or how I see the world, so any following opinion are through my own lenses, but I'm giving it six months before making a final decision.

It also has things that are fascinating, such as Critical and Contextual Understanding, which is so far the only class that I'm actually excited by, learning how to read performances, and the various elements. I also like the resources the institution is giving me, such as rehearsals space, AV equipment and funding available.

My classmates are cool too, I might have made mistake of getting too close too soon as I'm slowly realising I might really be the odd one out, so will see how that's going to develop; I will definitely be taking a step back and reevaluate where I stand.

What I'm finding so hard to cope with is the pseudo spiritual- awoke-hippie style of this course that drives me insane.

I am by nature a very pragmatic and practical human. Post my life in a cult, I've also become extremely intolerant to anything that is in the slightest holistic. (Sitting in circle talking about the stoniness of a stone. That's not a spelling mistake.)

I also find myself in a position of resistance, because I can't help to read most of the lectures as a tentative on brainwashing. The slow talking, the patronising reinforcements, closing our eyes listening to one voice alone while reads pseudo-emotional quotes from narcissistic anthropologist.

It would be all fine, if that's acknowledged as a tentative of "awoken practices" rather its passed as the holy grail of learning which also doesn't accept any other ways such as mine.

Finding myself playing along with lambswool and getting told off cause I'm not doing it the right way, ergo, if I don't shove it up my butt or eat it like anyone else, I'm clearly not experiencing the material.

If that's not art wank, I'm not sure what is.

I'm ok with it, I am a wanky pseudo-artist anyways, but sometimes it just gets too overwhelmingly fairy tale, sit in a circle, catch the butterflies, feel the energies kinda style.

They say this is how we learn about ourselves. Well, I'm learning that I'm so not into this style.

Let's see tho how things will develop, I might end up brainwashed, it happened once, might happen again, LOL.

Time to remove the bleach and hope my hair won't fall out.

With love,


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