(Cover photo by the incredibly talented Amy Irene Marquez)
Here to update you all, by all, I mean whoever is reading this, which I think is just going to go in the back burner of the internet or those that still haven't unfollowed me from their FB wall.
I think I wanna start with positives, cause since its world trend to focus on the good (who the fuck came up with that idea, whatever) I am currently creating a scratch performance night that has nothing to do with RCS but its something I'm really rejoicing (come along peeps, the link is here) , so that's fantastically good. I've also been back at sewing which is another great thing that I'm really ecstatic by. I've also collaborated with a classmate of mine (which is also helping me out with the night, big shouts to you Violet) and the we are considering of further developing the show.
Now, that you all positive peeps have had your fix, you can decide to stop reading cause the rest is just going to be a big cynical, negative, depressive rant.
Still here? Cool, let's get into it.
This course is the worst, so far.
It legit threw me back into a place that I never wanted to go near again, a feeling of being stuck, abused and manipulated. A place where hypocrisy is just but prevalent and fake smiles run more copious than air.
I feel stuck, cause as a 30 y.o I decided to join university and try to recover some of the time lost in a cult, I've decided to pause whatever the microscopic artistic success I was ever getting to basically be scammed.
The problem is that I knew, I knew it was going to happen from the interview. I FUCKING SENSED IT, and everyone that I spoke about it, deciding to join or not, back in Melbourne can be a witness of me clocking the culture of this course.
I am very well diffident by slow soft spoken talkers, that take pauses in between their smiles and they turn every question in "What can you learn about this?". On my dictionary they are called manipulators, now, if they do it willingly or not, I don't care, they are still doing it anyways.
This is what the course is, IN 10 WEEKS IN, what I've been doing is sitting in circles, performing to absolute useless briefs that have no fucking academical structure, it feels cult 2.0. Fair, for some of my classmates they find it useful, I DIDN'T COME TO THIS COURSE TO LEARN HOW TO BE A GOOD HUMAN. I decided to make a major decision and dedicate this time TO LEARN CONTEMPORARY PERFORMANCE, not pseudo-spiritualistic crap (no offence to all the holistic aficionado, it's not my thing.)
We had a long conversation today, which I'm not going to go in, but basically now what I feel is that I'm a fucking piece of shit, cause I don't want to be tight knit with my classmates which are 18 and they enjoy that and should enjoy that and I'm not criticising them. That I feel that I HAVE TO GO AND TALK TO A TEACHER THAT WE SHOULDN'T BE FOCUSING SO MUCH ON PSEUDO SPIRITUALISTIC APPROACH TO ART, as they welcome discussion. You welcome shit nothing, it's not MY ROLE to come to you, its your role to deliver what you said on your course program but potentially since the course program is basically an horoscope and anyone can read into it whatever they want, perhaps me too I just looked into what I needed to see.
So now I'm here, sitting in my room, writing on my blog how fucking shit I feel. THIS IS NOT WHAT A COURSE SHOULD DO. I was so looking forward to spend my next 4 years learning about the art craft, and instead I can only expect compromise my learning, and bow down to personal opinions.
Perhaps I was expecting it to be like every workshop I ever did, just longer. Instead they are just trying to build micro soldiers crafter in the art of CPP, which is "woke" practice of art.
And I know, you are probably there reading this and thinking "WTF Andy, I'm sure you are exaggerating, there's a lot of good artists that came out of the course". Perhaps, maybe, maybe the problem is me, nevertheless I feel shit. I have classmates that can't and won't deal with negativity (rightfully!) so I'm motherfucking stuck in a pile of shit where I've invested 10 weeks in a ball rolling of nothingness, I have other 5 months, and once done I'm done.
I'm broke, so I can't fucking afford a master, I don't have a BA, there's no chance of me going back into another course and start from year 1 because I'm 30 and I don't feel like I wanna spend the next 5 years of my life studying. So yeah, thank you so much for this fucking horrid gift. We have a kinda feedback session where they are asking me 3 examples where I think I met the criteria they wanted me to meet during this weeks, and my answer is nothing but: "I feel I haven't met the criteria, cause I already knew all of this and also this is nothing to be learnt. LOL"
I must have been a murderer or something. I also feel like I have no one, I know all of you might say, cool you can talk to me you know that, but the fact is that no, I can't talk to you. You have all your fucking shit going on, and the last thing I want is sharing mine, each their own smell.
I hope the after the break they will fucking close this shitshow or turn it into better. Probably it won't happen so I'll just quit.
So yeah, go to contemporary performance practice at RCS if you are interested on how be manipulated into "BIG FEELS" and used against you, or if you are keen to become a woke artist that can chat about their wanky art at dinner tables. Then this course is for you.
If you want to deepen you skill as artist you better of not going to uni, do workshops, maybe do a master or something, but yeah work by yourself and make shows. I just want to go back at school on Monday and fucking smash everything, summon demons and haunt those wall to filth. Peace out, this is my being fucking negative, you are welcome. Thinking that I was so fucking chilled, zen and so excited when I moved back. FUCK YOU CPP for crushing all my hopes.
P.S Sounds like I don't like my classmates, I do like them, I just don't want to be part of a clan or brotherhood, or a high school popularity contest. So apologies if any of you will feel hurt, if you do, your feelings are valid and I just wanna say please if you can don't take it personal cause there is no attack onto you on my words.